I feel so ugly inside.

Everytime i try to make things better, like for example i tell grace i do not hate her and that kimmi told me,

i get kimmi in to trouble.

I tell joshua i want the break up, but im so not over him

each time he tells me something like:

She is so cute,

her dream is funny,

they are nice people,

i like the fact that she is fucking honest,

i die a little more inside

Im so empty and tired.

I dont like losing

but this battle i can never win

he choose her at the beginning

he will choose her at the end.

Peoople tell me she is hard to get, he wont get her

so that means im easy? im slutty?

Ive lost all my self confidence

im afraid of something, i dont know what,

i cant stand the look in your eyes (it looks like pity+disgust)

Fuck it, why is it that i feel so ugly and slutty today when i was so pissed, disgusted and hurt yesterday.

Now beneath it all, i just feel like i am a failure, that i did something wrong, that i deserve this

maybe i do.

I keep talking to him

I cant apply Kais advice

I dont have the guts to say no to him without thinking of an excuse yet.

This is so pathetic.

I just want to curl up and die.

dont hang up, can we talk?

So confused, its like im lost

what went wrong, what made you go?

dont pretend, you dont know

this is me, im unbeautiful.

Unbeautiful, Lesley Roy

On the bright side,

i talked to jeslynn quite alot yesterday,

she understood.

I didnt think anyone who hadnt gone through it would

but she does.

Right now ive got so many people who understands me and i am glad that i dont have to face this alone. I am now very very very afraid of being alone.